July 24,2021
Finding My Way Back to Writing

I wrote this a few days ago, as our country and province started opening up after closures/lock downs due to the pandemic…

This morning, I felt truly happy. As I observed that recently unfamiliar feeling, I was surprised and then reflective realizing that I have not felt happiness in a year and a half.

So, what have I felt? Worry, fear, trepidation, anger, confusion, exhaustion, insecurity … to name a few.

I know I am not alone … the world has been in chaos, and it is difficult to feel content or happiness amid chaos and uncertainty. And, it has been even more challenging to think that I am leading a creative life let alone writing a BLOG about it. But I guess that living a creative life is about making the best of any situation, and that is what I have tried to do.

When the pandemic hit, I was enjoying the winter in  Mexico and was really kind of oblivious to the seriousness of the situation. I even got very sick there as did many of my neighbours, but I didn’t think I could possibly have covid-19 because there was little reporting of cases in the area at that time.  It wasn’t until after I returned to Canada and was able to read local Canadian news and learn more about the symptoms that I became aware that I had probably had it in January/February.

In March 2020, when Prime Minister Trudeau put out the call that all Canadians should return home, I had already booked an early flight and about then is when the fear, uncertainly, and chaos set in. One morning, when I was out for my daily walk with my friend, Barbara, we ran into another friend who had been reading some information online, and he told us that he thought it was time to return home. We talked about it and I decided that since I was travelling with my dog, Paco, it was time to go as soon as I could get a flight that could take Paco.  So, we had just booked when Canada called its citizens home.

The initial fear had to do with the travel day – travelling through two airports and on the plane during a pandemic. The airport in Puerto Vallarta was wall-to-wall people all trying to get home.  There was no hope of social distancing there.  As luck would have it, I had booked a business class ticket, which allowed me priority check-in and I was never so grateful.

On the other end, YVR was vacant – it was late at night, and there was practically no one there.  The hotel had a skeleton staff and I managed to get home the next day to start my quarantine.

It was upon arrival in Canada that I saw the seriousness of the situation and began to follow all rules.  Because I did not know if I had had covid-19 in Mexico and testing was not readily available, I stayed in quarantine for almost 6 weeks because I was afraid I could transmit the disease to my 96-year-old Mom. The fear, uncertainty, and loneliness grew.

So, I did the best I could to survive in an uncertain world. I was able to continue my work from home, and so I did. I took on as much as I could do – I felt it was best to keep busy when there was nowhere to go.

While working hard at my job, I have also asked myself repeatedly why I have been unable to write and paint? Sometimes, I am able to create from a place of darkness, but mostly, I create when I feel some contentment or connection to spirit, or when the outcome will be positive. I usually feel that I do not want to contribute to negativity, fear, or darkness, and creation brings what is inside out into the open. So, when I feel negative emotions, I usually try to process that in some other way, like journaling (for my eyes only). 

I have witnessed a proliferation of beautiful and creative art being made during the pandemic and am aware that many artists have been able to use this time productively to create beautiful and meaningful art. I have also talked to artist friends who say that they have not been motivated to paint during this time. We are all unique and have our own processes.  We must all find our own way to our creativity.  I have been able to throw myself into my work and create some good online training. And, I have done a lot of baking and cooking.  Today, I am finding my way back to writing.

© Dr. Carla Weaver

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July, 2021